The Carpenters: A Christmas Portrait (1978)

    We’re back in Judy Garland territory again, aren’t we, so let’s address it to get it out of the way. Karen Carpenter suffered from an eating disorder for her entire adult life and died from it in 1983. At the time of this special she was drastically underweight and not yet seeking help and this is the last time this will be addressed because this is not the forum and I am deeply unqualified to discuss it.

    The special was taped in October 1978 to coincide with their recently released album ‘Christmas Portrait.’ Richard Carpenter later said it really should have been Karen’s first solo album as she was the sole lead vocalist on the album and based on this special I very much agree. It aired on December 19^th, 1978 on ABC, following a similar Christmas special from the previous year. In addition to the Carpenters it featured Kristy and Jimmy McNichol, Georgia Engel, and Gene Kelly. The premise, as with so many of these, is the Carpenters at home inviting friends around to sing some songs.

    It opens with both Carpenters in matching red and blue outfits sitting behind an absolutely massive Saint Bernard. Sudden freeze frame then dissolve to a fake home exterior where a creepy elf-type guy holds up a fake snowflake and smiles disturbingly at the camera, I wish I was kidding. I have no idea where this is going. Now it’s inside as Karen sings ‘Christmas Waltz’ and the elf is not leaving them alone, appearing out of thin air to paw at the cards they’re writing and still being super creepy.

Creepy fucking elf.

    Apparently he’s delivering those cards to tonight’s guest because next he’s slipping one to Gene Kelly who has aged very well and has the air of a man who has no idea he’s just two years away from starring in a disco fantasy rollerskating film. Next he’s messing with the McNichols and Engel in the same way, all of whom seem super happy to find random letters from the Carpenters.

    The guests begin to show up and it’s a parade of 70’s outfits. Except for Gene Kelly who shows up in a tux because the man is a class act. I will point out that Kristy had just turned 16 at the time of recording and I have no idea what she and her brother are doing on this show. I have no idea what anyone else is either but at least they were professional actors. The elf, by the way, is played by Peter Pitt, who was apparently a professional magician and absolutely does not deserve the “and introducing” line during the opening credits. There are also four random guys who look like knock-off BeeGees who don’t show up in any credits list I can find (I think maybe they’re the band) and therefore suspect will not involve themselves overmuch in the proceedings.

    

That's two strikes, 70's.

    The next scene is Karen trying to get the party organized and everyone just blatantly ignoring her and continuing to talk to each other, which is apparently the joke? The creepy elf guy then poofs her out of existence and Richard says a joke and I’m being very careful not to read anything into anything right now. The elf pops her back into being in the kitchen and she’s wearing an apron over a completely different outfit now, sure, and then she says to the four randos to get out of the kitchen and then she poofs them into nothingness and I’m really starting to get lost in the magical world building we’re doing here. She switches on the radio and sings along to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town.’

Fun with assigned gender roles.

    The elf interferes again and now Karen is watching a video of herself singing ‘Jingle Bells’ that’s playing on the oven. The elf is then controlling her like a puppet, miming the strings and everything, and there really is a point at which text and subtext just become balled up together and effectively interchangeable. At a certain point Karen is dancing between four different screens playing herself back to herself while the elf looms over her and she has the most manic grin on her face. I’ve never had Adderall but this is what it sounds like it feels to me.

Just fucked up craziness

    The next scene is the Carpenters and McNichols siblings squabbling a bit to justify the next song ‘Brothers and Sisters.’ It’s about, well, squabbling brothers and sisters, the verses alternating between the sisters and the brothers and we’re moving on. I will say it’s very clear after the number that the sisters are doing all of the heavy lifting in those partnerships.

    After the break Karen comes on to have a nice solo song, ‘Merry Christmas Darling.’ It’s just her in an overcoat in the outside set by herself. No dumb elves anywhere. Gene Kelly then reminds us he’s in this by taking a number, ‘Christmas in Killarney.’ He does it with just a terrible Irish accent, though. Of course he does a faux-Irish little dance, why wouldn’t he? If they could acknowledge the elf I’m sure they’re work in a leprechaun joke as well.

I would understand if Ireland was just done with us.

    Next Richard is up and does a selection of piano pieces from ‘The Nutcracker.’ He’s in an outdoor winter set and I pass the time as he’s playing by constructing an elaborate meta-narrative of all the Christmas specials using the same outdoor winter set and how it’s actually just one single set intersecting with those specials through time and space. Como and Crosby have just joined up to give a talking to to Cash before being interrupted by Martin chasing The Golddiggers. Garland is off to the side looking annoyed while Nancy Sinatra is boogieing with some sultry Santas. I’m sure Andy Williams is in there somewhere but I just don’t care. John Denver is off in the actual wilderness and is spared from all of this. And now Richard is done playing piano.

    As is traditional their parents show up be be non-actors at the rest of the cast. They introduce them to Gene Kelly with whom they seem generally unimpressed. Now it’s Richard’s turn to sing a solo and I’m sorry, he’s certainly talented but why did they allow him to bring Karen down for so many years? A quick glance at Wikipedia indicates he was the instrumentalist of the two but really, just get out of her way, Richard.

    The producers remember that Georgia Engel has yet to justify her presence and so the next scene is her giving Karen and Kristy little angel figures which then turns into the three of them dressed as angels to do a number where they do stupid voices and act like little children in a school play. Um, Georgia Engel is a very funny actress and possibly a fine singer at other times but for this part she is not a singer and this is not really a song.

Love seeing grown women act like children.

    Harsh transition to Gene Kelly and Richard in tuxes and Karen in a simple white dress to sing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ in both the original Latin and English. I know the beginning of a medley when I hear one. Sure enough this is followed by more traditional takes on ‘Silent Night’ (again with the guitar story, I’ve heard it before), ‘Fum, Fum, Fum,’ and ‘Ave Maria.’ They are presented along with their histories and if I have to suffer through another Christmas medley this is a decent way to do it. And yep, Engel can sing just fine when she wants to. Jimmy cannot. Richard and Carol then address the camera to thank their guests and also acknowledge that goddamn elf, who hasn’t shown his face since the Irish bit.

This should've been the whole thing.

    That went just about as well as pop music in 1978 would allow, I suppose. The other specials with random-ass guests were at least weekly series that had to work with what they had, this was produced and shot months in advance and still ended up with this grab-bag of people. Minus Jimmy McNichol they were all fine (speaking of unjustified presences I’m still pissed about Burns and Schreiber from Como’s 1973 special, by the way) but they didn’t have all that much to do, they would have been fine just focusing on Karen and Richard and just letting her do her numbers. We especially didn’t need her kitchen freak out. Subtext notwithstanding there wasn’t anything particularly upsetting or cringeworthy so I’ll chalk with one up to experience. I’m trying to think of a single one of these specials where a woman didn’t absolutely steal at least part of the show and I’m not coming up with anything. After the Garland special I’m really wishing there’d been more female-centric variety shows, although considering there’s at least one Cher special lurking out there I may eat those words.

 

The Lawrence Welk Christmas Show (1966)

    Hooookay, this one is likely to be difficult for at least two reasons. The first is that unlike any of other other specials I’ve looked at I have no “in” on this one. I’m not a fan of this kind of music nor are there any prominent guest stars, this is just another episode of the show. The second is that this wasn’t built around an otherwise famous personality, Lawrence Welk wasn’t famous outside of his presence in this show. The best argument I can make for its inclusion is that it acts as kind of a control group: what is the base standard for this kind of musical special?

    This was first broadcast on December 24^th, 1966 on ABC television. The show had a long and varied history from its inception as a live broadcast on ABC in 1955 until it was canceled despite its ratings in 1971, after which it aired in local syndication until 1982 when Welk retired at the age of 79. Whatever cultural cache it might have originally had was well gone by its later years and it was seen as old and lame while it was still airing, much less forty years later, so I’m kind of dreading what lies ahead.

God bless PBS and decent transfers.

    First order of business: the bubbles. I had never really thought about it but if pressed would have assumed it was something like children blowing bubbles or the kind that would float down during lame mixers at a Catholic school but no, they’re meant to be champagne bubbles, so if nothing else you walk away with that knowledge. Second, the accent. Welk was born in 1903 in Strasburg, North Dakota, which as of the 1910 census had a population of 273 people and spoke almost entirely German. Welk himself didn’t learn English until he was 21, so before you make too much fun of his accent check out how good your public speaking is in German.

    The show opens with Welk in front of his orchestra, baton in hand. He welcomes the audience and refers to his ‘musical family,’ by which he meant the performing staff of the show. Almost all of the musical acts presented on the show were from in-house. Various members of that family appear to start decorating a tree while singing ‘Jingle Bells’ in what I can only describe as the most Midwest way possible even though the show was produced in Hollywood, California. Maybe they’re saving the fashionable people for later. As it stands everyone on screens looks like my mom’s high school yearbook come to life. They end on a fake freeze-frame while the camera pulls back behind a clearly cardboard border wishing the audience a Merry Christmas, which is certainly a choice they made.

This was somehow directed by The Rotarians.

    Next we have another entry into the dancing toy soldiers list of performances. It’s the Osmonds number minus the psychosis and I kind of miss that element. The added accordion doesn’t make up for it. At first I’m wondering why they’re not moving their arms but then I notice it’s really just militarized clogging, which explains a lot. Next a cute kid with an unfortunate crewcut mumbles his way through an unrecognizable something of a song.

    Oh, good, another version of ‘White Christmas.’ At least Crosby brought his own history to it, they’re just bringing this odd unjustified vibrato that doesn’t add anything. And we are just trucking through the performances now as we get our first taste of weird as Welk introduces a “doll dance” of two performers dressed up as Raggedy Anne and Andy, except they can’t really even get the crazy right since even with the doll premise it’s just a dance with a single tracking shot slowly moving around keeping them center frame. At least the costumes are a little creepy.

Dancing dolls should be scary, period.

    Now we get The Lennon Sisters who I actually remember from Crosby’s 1968 show. I said they had lovely singing voices and they certainly do here as well. Say what you will but Welk doesn’t stint on costumes, each section seems to have a full bespoke wardrobe. And that’s what I have to say about The Lennon Sisters. Next up are four much younger girls Welk refers to as “the junior Lennon Sisters” which seem to consists of their little sisters and some cousins. From a quick Google search they do seem to be younger relatives who would cycle in and out of the quartet in later years, so this is quite the family racket they’ve got going on. None of them are Lorna Luft but they’re pretty decent.

These are the older sisters.

    If I keep doing this section by section we’re going to be here all night so I’m just going to detail the ones that stick out, realize there are plenty I’m just skipping because it’s something like a guy in a blazer singing a hymn while another guy in a blazer plays the organ. Other things you’re missing: kids playing accordions, a version of ‘All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth’ that replaces teeth with spoons, ‘Ave Maria’ sung in a very pink dress, a guy tap dancing (that’s it, he tap dances), all scintillating stuff.

Wasn't kidding about the spoons.

    I do have to highlight Joanne, a lady who looks like your dad’s cousin who has three kids under the age of five just going to absolute town on an upright piano. It takes way too long to realize she’s playing a version of ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ because she throws in like seven extra notes for every one in the actual melody and she is just banging away at those keys with the widest grin and bunch of winks thrown at the camera. She is borderline astonishing.

Joanne motherfucking rocks it.

    Even Welk and his musical family can’t resist the siren call of the Christmas music medley. They’re all very traditionally Christian and sung just straight. At least they don’t shove it at the very end. This is followed by a man in a salmon-colored jacket with a genuinely unfortunate mustache telling the ‘Yes, Virginia, this is a Santa Claus’ story. Then The Lennon sisters are back, both sets, as well as some random male relations, to all sing a song and at this point it’s giving off a very ‘Village of the Damned’ vibe. At least a couple must not want to be there. Then the Welk family in all their awkwardly televised glory introduce themselves one by one. These are, blessedly, very much not show-biz peoples. The little kids warble a song while their parents wear fixed grins behind them. The entire production gets together in matching blazers and ball gowns to sing ‘Silent Night.’ There’s a repeat of the opening ‘Jingle Bells’ number for some reason, like just playing the footage again, then everyone’s onstage to continue ‘Jingle Bells,’ then a Santa runs on stage to absolutely terrify the children as Welk says goodnight to the audience.

How very not creepy.

    That sure was an episode of ‘The Lawrence Welk Show.’ I have to say that was the least surprising thing I’ve seen in a long while, the audio-visual equivalent of that dish of hard candy that’s formed into a single mass on your great-grandmother’s end table. My parents both grew up on farms and it shakes me to think they must have felt like how it felt to watch that show all of the time. Still, they were clearly all talented people putting on a show for an appreciative audience so I can only criticize it so much, they would be just as lost in my world of rock ‘n roll and hoola hoops and whatnot. If I’m ever stuck in a situation where the only show available is literally just ‘The Lawrence Welk Show’ I can at least keep an eye out for Joanne, she was pretty close to just breaking that damn piano, I swear.

 

The Judy Garland Christmas Show (1963)

    We’re all pretty aware at this point of the problems Judy Garland went through in her life. We’re not going to litigate them all here. I’ll just briefly sketch out what led to the television special.

    After struggling for many years to move on from her teenage roles she had intermittent success and also developed several addictions which ended up causing her health and professional problems. She bet heavily on the success of 1954’s ‘A Star is Born,’ which due to conflicts between the studio and producers ended up not turning a profit. Her live performances continued to great success but she was only fitfully successful in film and television roles. She started having money problems from mismanagement and embezzlement from her managers and eventually in 1961 started appearing in specials for CBS. This eventually lead to being paid the astronomical sum of $24 million to star in ‘The Judy Garland Show.’ Despite critical acclaim it was scheduled opposite ratings powerhouse ‘Bonanza’ and only lasted a single season.

    On December 22^nd, 1963 the twelfth episode of ‘The Judy Garland Show’ aired as a Christmas special. It was written and directed by industry variety show veterans and featured singers Jack Jones, Mel Torme, and her three children. The conceit was that the show took place at Garland’s home around Christmas time.

Yup.

    It opens with a tastefully simple title card and the camera pushing into a window as Garland sings ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ to her children Joey and Lorna Luft. It’s one unbroken shot, zooming slightly in and out as Garland emotes. It was likely standard for the time but the lack of editing is slightly jarring. After the song the camera doesn’t cut as they physically move from the window and come out the front door of the set to greet the audience at home and I’m starting to wonder if parts of this were shot and broadcast live, so far it’s hard to tell. She invites the camera in and we cut to an interior shot as she continues talking directly to the audience.

    Another edit and we’re clearly on a soundstage set now, no fourth wall anymore, as all three break into ‘Consider Yourself’ from ‘Oliver!’ For being eleven years old Lorna’s got a good set of pipes. This is Joey’s first recorded performance and yeah, he didn’t get the singing genes like Lorna and Liza. Garland clearly dotes on her children and they smile their way into the first commercial break.

Aw.

    When we come back yep, that sure is a 17 year old Liza Minnelli. Unlike Lorna and Joey this is not her first public performance, she’d been guest starring on the usual late night and variety shows for several years by this point. There’s this odd moment where she’s supposedly confused by what’s going on and Garland tells her they’re on television before pulling her into another verse of ‘Consider Yourself.’ Apparently Liza was just that good at playing confused because I was actually concerned for a moment.

Ehh ....

    Next they spotlight Joey’s performance, which seems a little cruel, as they get him to attempt to sing ‘Where is Love’ again from ‘Oliver!’ Poor kid. After that some rando named Tracy Everitt wanders in, introduced as Liza’s “beau” but who in reality is her dance partner for the upcoming number. According to IMDB he was in the same episode of the tv show ‘Talent Scouts’ as Liza earlier that year and never appeared in anything after this special, so that likely tells you all you need to know about him. Liza says they’d like to show Garland a routine they’ve worked out that maybe she could use in a show. She tosses off a joke about she’ll be Garland and Tracy can be one of those older dancers like Gene Kelly. Garland pulls a shocked face but, um, sorry, 1961, truth hurts.

Oooh.

    Liza’s entire vibe here is very Anne Hathaway and it’s a bit distracting but it’s a decent enough jazzy number about love and a steam engine and all that. I also keep getting distracted by how huge this soundstage set is, in some shots it seems to retreat into forever. Garland is suitably appreciative and the kids wander off to decorate the tree as she emotes a song to camera called ‘Little Drops of Rain.’ We’re back to having an unbroken shot of her performing and she’s really good at it, which explains the great reviews for her live shows.

    Back again from commercials and the doorbell rings to announce Jack Jones. Jones was apparently one of those early 60’s pop singers in the vein of Burt Bacharach, edging into light jazz and some bossa nova. He’s basically an example of the kind of singer that came after the crooners, so a full generation removed from the Sinatras and Comos of the world. After some chitchat Garland just directly asks him to sing ‘Lollipops and Roses’ which she’d like to but can’t since she’s a girl, and we’re moving past that at a decent clip. It’s a pretty insipid song which he at least partly sings to little Lorna, and we’re moving on again. Just, um, don’t go and look at the lyrics too carefully.

Um ....

    Lorna asks to sing ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ and again I can see how she ended up having a Broadway career of her own. The family claps at the performance and I can’t help but notice that useless Tracy is sitting in the back like a lump. He was only there for the dance number, just have him wander offstage and forget him.

    Ugh, but no, after the next break the camera swoops in to focus on Liza (having changed costumes) and Tracy in his stupid jumpsuit sitting on a couch. She starts to sing ‘Alice Blue Gown’ as he hunches over and wraps a present and congrats on the effort there, Liza, but we’re not really buying this. They wander over to the tree as she sings and she jazzes it up but nope, still a no-sell.

No.

    The three actual singers join in on ‘Jingle Bells’ and since we’re dealing with actual professional performers now it’s actually a pretty good rendition with harmonies and Liza and Garland laying a bed of background singing for Jones to sing over, it’s well done. It turns into the dreaded Christmas medley but this one’s all right since it happens in the middle of show rather than at the end just to kill time and the segues as pretty seamless and they clearly put a lot of work into it. Considering when this came out this might be what all the other specials were trying and failing to replicate.

    Sudden Santa invasion! The horns go all loud and six Santas burst in and start dancing to the apparent confusion of the family just sitting on the couch. It is preceded and justified by nothing and just as suddenly they exit out the front door. After a few moments they all get back to singing like all that never happened.

Wha?

    We come back from break, presumably still recovering from the random Santas, when we hear carolers from offstage. The kids go to investigate then yell back to Garland that they’re here. They’re invited inside and it’s revealed that they’re led by Mel Torme, who was the musical writer and arranger from the show until Garland fired him. She introduces him as such and also that he wrote the music for ‘The Christmas Song’ with Bob Wells, which he proceeds to perform accompanying himself on piano with Garland coming in to duet.

    After the commercials the carolers have spread out and made themselves at home on the cavernous set and Liza and that lump Tracy come out with eggnog and glasses for everyone. They try to make up for invading her home by launching into ‘Caroling, Caroling (Christmas Bells are Ringing)’ but I’ve got my eye on you, carolers. This is followed by another medley and I’m starting to lose increasing amounts of interest. The singers are better than I’m used to and the arrangements are tasteful and some of the renditions are impressively a capella and I just don’t care, I’m turning into an uninterested puddle in my seat, perked up briefly by Tracy dueting with Liza which shut up, Tracy. Also stop making Joey do whatever he seems to think is singing.

Sure.

    Last commercial break and they politely usher out the carolers, Jones, Liza, and finally Tracy and Garland walks back inside the house/set only to be assaulted by random Santas again. She halfheartedly plays along until they flee just as suddenly. Her demeanor is nothing but annoyance. Her two younger kids come down in pajamas and request a song and just like Crosby, Como, and Martin she apparently was contractually obligated to sing her signature tune on command as she starts singing ‘Over the Rainbow.’ I usually feel pretty bad for singers who have to trot out the standards again and again but for obvious reasons I feel it a bit more this time. The audience is into it, though, clapping like mad. Afterwards they step forward to presumably say goodnight to the studio audience so some of this was performed at least somewhat live.

Awwww.

    It’s obviously impossible for me not to view this without the knowledge of Judy Garland’s entire life history. Every ragged little edge, missed word, or interpersonal interaction could be filtered through that knowledge to paint some kind of portrait of a damaged individual doing her best to put on a show or I could try to forget all that and just appreciate the professionalism and relative class on display. In the end I’m going to just take away the memories of her talent, which was obvious and on full display. I’m not at all surprised that some of her highest accolades were from her live performances, but I can also see how anxiety could have made maintaining those accolades difficult.

    This was a special that, random dancing Santas aside, didn’t focus on sketches or skits or cheesy comedy bits but was just about the singing and performing and was very good at showing just that. I’m not particularly happy about involving her two younger children at the ages they were but comparing them to the Sinatra and Martin children Lorna at least was clearly more talented than all of them put together, and of course Liza was Liza. This is the first special that I think could hold up pretty well if it were given the proper context and aired again today, or made available on a streaming site. If you’re a fan of Judy Garland I can’t imagine you haven’t already seen this but if you haven’t by all means seek it out.

 

Dean Martin Christmas Special (1980)

    I have two upfront warnings on this one: firstly the recordings I have access to always vary a lot in quality, ranging from Blu Ray restorations to nth-generation VHS rips, and this is by far the worst transfer I’ve had to work with, and secondly there is a non-zero amount of Erik Estrada contained in this special.

That's Estrada on the left, keep your eye on him.

    This episode aired on December 16^th, 1980 on NBC. Martin was 73 at the time of recording. He was less than a year away from something of a visibility resurgence with his participation in ‘Cannonball Run.’ His final album was ‘The Nashville Sessions’ released in 1983 and was relatively well received. He would still intermittently tour with Sinatra and The Rat Pack but would stop in 1990 as he disliked playing stadiums. He passed away in 1995 from emphysema stemming from lung cancer. This would be his last Christmas special.

    I will say he’s a sprightly 73 as he opens the special bounding down a set of stairs with his trademark loose energy. Seemingly having dropped the drunk act he launches into ‘It’s a Most Unusual Day,’ quickly joined by his panel of guests including Andy Gibb, Mel Tillis, Beverly Sills, and as previously mentioned an inexplicable Erik Estrada. The other three are at least singers, but Estrada? Dude was in ‘CHiPS’ and as he proves as he enters to join in he is no singer.

    It’s weird to see Martin play the elder statesman, solemnly shaking everyone’s hand as they join him on stage. The old habits are still there as his hands try to bounce along to the music and start faux-conducting and he keeps having to bring them back under control. He’s even going through the choreographed motions without openly mocking them.

That's a full-on grandpa face right there.

    Crosby had ‘White Christmas,’ Martin has ‘A Marshmallow World,’ which I think is a pretty good nutshelling of the difference between the two. He’s got a little bit of the old bounce back to him while he sings it to Beverly Sills as she sits in a sleigh but he’s still playing it remarkably straight. He doesn’t even play up the “pumpkin-head” line. After maybe his first joke of the evening they throw to Andy Gibb who sings ‘Time is Time.’ I don’t care about Andy Gibb so moving on, although I will note a wailing guitar line, even a lame one, in the same time and space as Dean Martin is deeply discomfiting.

    Martin comes out to join Gibb and the two of them tell a joke so bad that I’m actually going to look up the writer for this thing: Bill Fox. Fucker wrote for ‘Love, American Style’ and ‘Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure.’ He has some other credits as well but those are the two most embarrassing and screw him, he wrote that joke. They launch into a joke song about famous Italian singers and trade some more terrible jokes.

    Next Estrada tortures some children by singing a song at them about a toy. It involves a bunch of random noises, I dunno, it’s like a lesser version of whatever Dennis Weaver was doing back in 68.

    

I told you to keep an eye on him!

    All five of them are onstage now singing something called ‘Everybody’s Got a Little Song.’ They then take turns breaking into awful impersonations of people who I’m pretty sure weren’t famous enough to impersonate in 1980, much less now. Who does Marlene Dietrich and Jimmy Stewart impressions in the 80’s? It’s just sad and vaguely embarrassing, and I will point out that Dean doesn’t even attempt to pull off an accurate Sinatra. And it goes on for over seven minutes! Although Mel Tillis does do a killer Johnny Cash.

    After the break Tillis does a completely acceptable country number before joining Martin in a computer dating service sketch. In 1980. Within ten seconds of the start of the sketch I’ve decided the punchline will be that they thought they were set up to meet women but they were actually set up to meet each other and it’ll be funny because of all the not-gay. It takes about a minute before this is confirmed as they make a Liberace joke, which is odd considering he was still denying he was gay at the time and the Scott Thorson suit was still two years away. And oddly enough it doesn’t end with gay panic but instead, after comparing notes in what they want in partners, a sudden tango. That’s ... pretty good for 1980, actually. Huh.

Ok, I'll take not-terrible.

    The five of them once again join up for that Christmas classic ‘Hey Good Lookin’’ and before I know it we’re in a medley spiral, although at least they’re not Christmas songs. I may be spared those but this is the oddest grab bag of songs I have just about ever heard.

    Then the reality of the show splits briefly as Martin shows us home movies of his horses while he sings ‘Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head’ on top of the footage. I ... don’t know what’s going on.

    For the record I do not, in any way, need to hear any version of ‘Escape (The Pina Colada Song)’ ever again even if I’m spared a version containing Martin. That is rather entirely offset by hearing one that does contain Estrada, though. Because, apparently, that is the song to sing after random horse footage. Then Sills comes on to do some opera because Christmas, obviously, and then we close out with all five singing ‘Here’s To You.’ Martin then closes with a simple “Goodnight, everybody” and his final special is in the can.

Go on, explain the horses, I'll wait.

    Other than arguably Estrada’s warble about that toy the only actual Christmas song in this Christmas special was Martin’s signature tune ‘A Marshmallow World.’ I know I said the previous special contained the least amount of Christmas but it was covered in tinsel and candy canes compared to whatever this was. There was a shocking amount of not-Christmas in this and the guests could not have been more random and such obvious strangers to Martin except for possibly Mel Tillis, the one performer he shared any kind of warmth with. Their interplay contained the only hints of the older, looser Dean. I never thought I’d miss the drunk womanizer shtick but if you took that away at this point in his career there wasn’t much left. You can see it leaking out at times but he keeps it mostly sealed up.

    I can see why he never did another special, he wasn’t as checked out as he was in previous specials and was clearly being a professional but he looked like he wasn’t allowed to have fun anymore. As the capper to his television career at least it wasn’t embarrassing but he clearly wasn’t going out on top. He did a couple more movies, a few more tours, and then I have no doubt he just stayed on his ranch and rode his horses.

    I feel a bit conflicted about Dean Martin, his comedy persona rode the edges of that old misogynistic energy but he seemed to use it more to undercut himself than seem a credible threat. What it really makes me want to do is track down some live shows he did back in the 50’s with Jerry Lewis and his earlier nightclub career when he was still all the way sharp. I will credit him with being far more interesting that either Como or Crosby. This makes me remember I have quite a few of his old vinyl records squirreled away somewhere, maybe I’ll dig into those to see if there are any live recordings. If nothing else it’s been forever and a half since I listened to ‘That’s Amore.’

 

The Dean Martin Christmas Show (1972)

    The opening visuals announce as loudly as possible that the 70’s have already fully had their way with this show. It’s all oranges and browns and visuals designed to hurt the eyes. Every time I worry that the decade is in danger of losing its status as the ugliest time of human history it swoops back in to reassure me in the worst way possible.

You are trying my patience, 70's.

    Airing on December 21^st, 1972, this was when the show was limping along on its last legs. This is the last Christmas special aired as part of ‘The Dean Martin Show’ as during its last year it changed formats to become a weekly celebrity roast, a format Martin would milk for the rest of the decade. Even on paper the show is much-diminished, for guests we’re down to a still-returning Dom DeLuise, Nipsey Russell, and Rodney Dangerfield well before he attempted to be anything but a standard stand-up comic. The rest are half-familiar names that make Dennis Weaver look like a superstar.

This is about how invested he is at this point.

    Martin ambles out to once more sing ‘A Marshmallow World,’ giving most of the heavy lifting to a couple of The Golddiggers. He’s simply not trying too hard, mostly just standing there playing the song straight while giving half-hearted asides to camera. He does what’s even for him a half-assed read of the cue cards to set up the next bit before wandering towards backstage. It actually does a freeze-frame on his retreating form so there was clearly no second take.

    It’s DeLuise as a Santa who comes down the chimney into Martin’s home and squabbles with his inexplicably present wife before Martin wanders in wearing a robe over his tux. More drunk jokes follow and from his delivery I could maybe start to believe Martin may have actually been drinking this time. DeLuise does all the lifting and it ends limply on another freeze-frame so maybe they’re just doing that now.

You just kick back and smoke, you've earned it.

    Glenn Ford has inexplicably taken the place of Ken Lane and given someone to improvise off of Martin is interested again. His maybe housekeeper comes in to deliver some lines and interact with Ford so Martin came lean back and have a smoke facing away from the camera. Then The Golddiggers come out to sing a song about how great Martin is before cutting to a nightclub set where Rodney Dangerfield does his stand-up for a couple of minutes before sitting down with Martin as a table to continue the act in a slightly different format. If you are at all familiar with Dangerfield’s act you know exactly how it goes.

    Next is a duet between Martin and country singer Lynn Anderson. Martin plays it pretty straight when paired with a non-comedy performer although he still hams it up a bit. They sing a song and that’s pretty much it.

    If it seems like I’ve kind of been blowing off the show up until this point it’s mostly because I have, but we now come to a scene I have to hunker down a bit and dig into. It opens with Glenn Ford sitting on a park bench holding a leash connected to a collar around the neck of a woman dressed as when I’m guessing is a reindeer. Deep breath, it keeps going. Martin wanders on, also leash in hand, leading a girl dressed as a leopard. Martin greets Ford and sits on the bench next to him and the cat lady settles on the ground in a submissive pose with her head in Martin’s lap. Another deep breath, people. Martin asks after Ford’s reindeer and Ford replies it’s Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. When asked why his nose isn’t red Ford replies he gave up drinking. So we’re playing with genders as well here, okay. They make a couple of reindeer jokes and then it just ends on a joke about male reindeers having so many mates they have to live up north where the nights are so long. Which ... why was there a cat lady? Why was there a reindeer lady? Did they just sneak a fetish scene past the censors? Genuinely confused here.

I feel like I need an explanation but don't want one.

    We’re back on the outdoorsy winter set I swear I’ve seen like five times by this point. Martin does a straight version of ‘I’ll be Home for Christmas’ and it’s as boring as it sounds. Next a very strange transition as we cut to the outside of a clearly labeled NBC affiliate (specifically KNBC-4 out of Los Angeles) before panning over to what is passing itself off as the interior of a barber shop. Nipsey Russell and Dom DeLuise are barbers to Martin and Ford and it’s just an excuse to rattle off a bunch of jokes. Russell and DeLuise do fine and Ford keeps up with his deadpan replies, Martin is pretty checked out and is back to smoking. Best part is when Ford clearly blows a cue card read and they refuse to let him move on until he gets it right and he just keeps blowing it. Worst part is the actual jokes which range from topical to repulsive and are all very much 1972.

    There was apparently a stand up comedian named Norm Crosby. I only know this because he comes onto the stage and does five minutes of material. Next they just straight up re-air DeLuise’s beat cop sketch from the 68 special. I guess before reruns you could just do that.

    This part is conceptually interesting. Here’s the Wikipedia description: “During the show's eighth season, the finale was a selection of songs from a popular MGM film musical. Clips from the selected film would be shown, with Martin and guests singing a medley from the films.” This is pretty misleading as what they actually do is have the week’s performers do snippets of the songs as they roughly act out or parody scenes from the chosen movie. What this mostly resembles is the ‘Previously on “The Satellite of Love”’ sketch from MST3K. The film selection for this episode is 1947’s ‘Till the Clouds Roll By’ which I have never heard a peep about. The cast plays the songs over the top and swoon about not bothering to even address the plot. Too bad it’s not funny in the least. But at the end leopard lady’s suddenly back! What the fuck!

Seems like a desperate last-second pitch they just rolled with.

    Martin seats himself at a desk on the set, takes a beat to obviously check his cue card, mumbles something about love, then wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and credits and we are out.

    Of all of the Christmas specials I’ve looked at this, by far, had the least amount of Christmas. Those must have been four very long years since 1968 because Martin was even more checked out than I thought. No charity drive at the end, no big stars popping by, the format has been stripped of the most interesting parts, two sections were just stand up routines and one was a recycled bit from years previously. It’s no surprise they changed up the format one last time for the next season before the show was finally put out of its misery.

    Martin doesn’t seem really built for Christmas specials, he has no appeal to children and his entire persona is set up to mock the conventions of such shows. He plugged away for a few years but by 1972 he’d been in the game going on forty years. I’ve got one more Dean Martin special from 1980 and my mind fairly reels at the prospect.

Basically the vibe is 'Zardoz' meets Vegas, but not as entertaining as that sounds.