Ghost Town (1988)

 

The Lawrence Welk Christmas Show (1966)

    Hooookay, this one is likely to be difficult for at least two reasons. The first is that unlike any of other other specials I’ve looked at I have no “in” on this one. I’m not a fan of this kind of music nor are there any prominent guest stars, this is just another episode of the show. The second is that this wasn’t built around an otherwise famous personality, Lawrence Welk wasn’t famous outside of his presence in this show. The best argument I can make for its inclusion is that it acts as kind of a control group: what is the base standard for this kind of musical special?

    This was first broadcast on December 24^th, 1966 on ABC television. The show had a long and varied history from its inception as a live broadcast on ABC in 1955 until it was canceled despite its ratings in 1971, after which it aired in local syndication until 1982 when Welk retired at the age of 79. Whatever cultural cache it might have originally had was well gone by its later years and it was seen as old and lame while it was still airing, much less forty years later, so I’m kind of dreading what lies ahead.

God bless PBS and decent transfers.

    First order of business: the bubbles. I had never really thought about it but if pressed would have assumed it was something like children blowing bubbles or the kind that would float down during lame mixers at a Catholic school but no, they’re meant to be champagne bubbles, so if nothing else you walk away with that knowledge. Second, the accent. Welk was born in 1903 in Strasburg, North Dakota, which as of the 1910 census had a population of 273 people and spoke almost entirely German. Welk himself didn’t learn English until he was 21, so before you make too much fun of his accent check out how good your public speaking is in German.

    The show opens with Welk in front of his orchestra, baton in hand. He welcomes the audience and refers to his ‘musical family,’ by which he meant the performing staff of the show. Almost all of the musical acts presented on the show were from in-house. Various members of that family appear to start decorating a tree while singing ‘Jingle Bells’ in what I can only describe as the most Midwest way possible even though the show was produced in Hollywood, California. Maybe they’re saving the fashionable people for later. As it stands everyone on screens looks like my mom’s high school yearbook come to life. They end on a fake freeze-frame while the camera pulls back behind a clearly cardboard border wishing the audience a Merry Christmas, which is certainly a choice they made.

This was somehow directed by The Rotarians.

    Next we have another entry into the dancing toy soldiers list of performances. It’s the Osmonds number minus the psychosis and I kind of miss that element. The added accordion doesn’t make up for it. At first I’m wondering why they’re not moving their arms but then I notice it’s really just militarized clogging, which explains a lot. Next a cute kid with an unfortunate crewcut mumbles his way through an unrecognizable something of a song.

    Oh, good, another version of ‘White Christmas.’ At least Crosby brought his own history to it, they’re just bringing this odd unjustified vibrato that doesn’t add anything. And we are just trucking through the performances now as we get our first taste of weird as Welk introduces a “doll dance” of two performers dressed up as Raggedy Anne and Andy, except they can’t really even get the crazy right since even with the doll premise it’s just a dance with a single tracking shot slowly moving around keeping them center frame. At least the costumes are a little creepy.

Dancing dolls should be scary, period.

    Now we get The Lennon Sisters who I actually remember from Crosby’s 1968 show. I said they had lovely singing voices and they certainly do here as well. Say what you will but Welk doesn’t stint on costumes, each section seems to have a full bespoke wardrobe. And that’s what I have to say about The Lennon Sisters. Next up are four much younger girls Welk refers to as “the junior Lennon Sisters” which seem to consists of their little sisters and some cousins. From a quick Google search they do seem to be younger relatives who would cycle in and out of the quartet in later years, so this is quite the family racket they’ve got going on. None of them are Lorna Luft but they’re pretty decent.

These are the older sisters.

    If I keep doing this section by section we’re going to be here all night so I’m just going to detail the ones that stick out, realize there are plenty I’m just skipping because it’s something like a guy in a blazer singing a hymn while another guy in a blazer plays the organ. Other things you’re missing: kids playing accordions, a version of ‘All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth’ that replaces teeth with spoons, ‘Ave Maria’ sung in a very pink dress, a guy tap dancing (that’s it, he tap dances), all scintillating stuff.

Wasn't kidding about the spoons.

    I do have to highlight Joanne, a lady who looks like your dad’s cousin who has three kids under the age of five just going to absolute town on an upright piano. It takes way too long to realize she’s playing a version of ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ because she throws in like seven extra notes for every one in the actual melody and she is just banging away at those keys with the widest grin and bunch of winks thrown at the camera. She is borderline astonishing.

Joanne motherfucking rocks it.

    Even Welk and his musical family can’t resist the siren call of the Christmas music medley. They’re all very traditionally Christian and sung just straight. At least they don’t shove it at the very end. This is followed by a man in a salmon-colored jacket with a genuinely unfortunate mustache telling the ‘Yes, Virginia, this is a Santa Claus’ story. Then The Lennon sisters are back, both sets, as well as some random male relations, to all sing a song and at this point it’s giving off a very ‘Village of the Damned’ vibe. At least a couple must not want to be there. Then the Welk family in all their awkwardly televised glory introduce themselves one by one. These are, blessedly, very much not show-biz peoples. The little kids warble a song while their parents wear fixed grins behind them. The entire production gets together in matching blazers and ball gowns to sing ‘Silent Night.’ There’s a repeat of the opening ‘Jingle Bells’ number for some reason, like just playing the footage again, then everyone’s onstage to continue ‘Jingle Bells,’ then a Santa runs on stage to absolutely terrify the children as Welk says goodnight to the audience.

How very not creepy.

    That sure was an episode of ‘The Lawrence Welk Show.’ I have to say that was the least surprising thing I’ve seen in a long while, the audio-visual equivalent of that dish of hard candy that’s formed into a single mass on your great-grandmother’s end table. My parents both grew up on farms and it shakes me to think they must have felt like how it felt to watch that show all of the time. Still, they were clearly all talented people putting on a show for an appreciative audience so I can only criticize it so much, they would be just as lost in my world of rock ‘n roll and hoola hoops and whatnot. If I’m ever stuck in a situation where the only show available is literally just ‘The Lawrence Welk Show’ I can at least keep an eye out for Joanne, she was pretty close to just breaking that damn piano, I swear.