The Carpenters: A Christmas Portrait (1978)

    We’re back in Judy Garland territory again, aren’t we, so let’s address it to get it out of the way. Karen Carpenter suffered from an eating disorder for her entire adult life and died from it in 1983. At the time of this special she was drastically underweight and not yet seeking help and this is the last time this will be addressed because this is not the forum and I am deeply unqualified to discuss it.

    The special was taped in October 1978 to coincide with their recently released album ‘Christmas Portrait.’ Richard Carpenter later said it really should have been Karen’s first solo album as she was the sole lead vocalist on the album and based on this special I very much agree. It aired on December 19^th, 1978 on ABC, following a similar Christmas special from the previous year. In addition to the Carpenters it featured Kristy and Jimmy McNichol, Georgia Engel, and Gene Kelly. The premise, as with so many of these, is the Carpenters at home inviting friends around to sing some songs.

    It opens with both Carpenters in matching red and blue outfits sitting behind an absolutely massive Saint Bernard. Sudden freeze frame then dissolve to a fake home exterior where a creepy elf-type guy holds up a fake snowflake and smiles disturbingly at the camera, I wish I was kidding. I have no idea where this is going. Now it’s inside as Karen sings ‘Christmas Waltz’ and the elf is not leaving them alone, appearing out of thin air to paw at the cards they’re writing and still being super creepy.

Creepy fucking elf.

    Apparently he’s delivering those cards to tonight’s guest because next he’s slipping one to Gene Kelly who has aged very well and has the air of a man who has no idea he’s just two years away from starring in a disco fantasy rollerskating film. Next he’s messing with the McNichols and Engel in the same way, all of whom seem super happy to find random letters from the Carpenters.

    The guests begin to show up and it’s a parade of 70’s outfits. Except for Gene Kelly who shows up in a tux because the man is a class act. I will point out that Kristy had just turned 16 at the time of recording and I have no idea what she and her brother are doing on this show. I have no idea what anyone else is either but at least they were professional actors. The elf, by the way, is played by Peter Pitt, who was apparently a professional magician and absolutely does not deserve the “and introducing” line during the opening credits. There are also four random guys who look like knock-off BeeGees who don’t show up in any credits list I can find (I think maybe they’re the band) and therefore suspect will not involve themselves overmuch in the proceedings.

    

That's two strikes, 70's.

    The next scene is Karen trying to get the party organized and everyone just blatantly ignoring her and continuing to talk to each other, which is apparently the joke? The creepy elf guy then poofs her out of existence and Richard says a joke and I’m being very careful not to read anything into anything right now. The elf pops her back into being in the kitchen and she’s wearing an apron over a completely different outfit now, sure, and then she says to the four randos to get out of the kitchen and then she poofs them into nothingness and I’m really starting to get lost in the magical world building we’re doing here. She switches on the radio and sings along to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town.’

Fun with assigned gender roles.

    The elf interferes again and now Karen is watching a video of herself singing ‘Jingle Bells’ that’s playing on the oven. The elf is then controlling her like a puppet, miming the strings and everything, and there really is a point at which text and subtext just become balled up together and effectively interchangeable. At a certain point Karen is dancing between four different screens playing herself back to herself while the elf looms over her and she has the most manic grin on her face. I’ve never had Adderall but this is what it sounds like it feels to me.

Just fucked up craziness

    The next scene is the Carpenters and McNichols siblings squabbling a bit to justify the next song ‘Brothers and Sisters.’ It’s about, well, squabbling brothers and sisters, the verses alternating between the sisters and the brothers and we’re moving on. I will say it’s very clear after the number that the sisters are doing all of the heavy lifting in those partnerships.

    After the break Karen comes on to have a nice solo song, ‘Merry Christmas Darling.’ It’s just her in an overcoat in the outside set by herself. No dumb elves anywhere. Gene Kelly then reminds us he’s in this by taking a number, ‘Christmas in Killarney.’ He does it with just a terrible Irish accent, though. Of course he does a faux-Irish little dance, why wouldn’t he? If they could acknowledge the elf I’m sure they’re work in a leprechaun joke as well.

I would understand if Ireland was just done with us.

    Next Richard is up and does a selection of piano pieces from ‘The Nutcracker.’ He’s in an outdoor winter set and I pass the time as he’s playing by constructing an elaborate meta-narrative of all the Christmas specials using the same outdoor winter set and how it’s actually just one single set intersecting with those specials through time and space. Como and Crosby have just joined up to give a talking to to Cash before being interrupted by Martin chasing The Golddiggers. Garland is off to the side looking annoyed while Nancy Sinatra is boogieing with some sultry Santas. I’m sure Andy Williams is in there somewhere but I just don’t care. John Denver is off in the actual wilderness and is spared from all of this. And now Richard is done playing piano.

    As is traditional their parents show up be be non-actors at the rest of the cast. They introduce them to Gene Kelly with whom they seem generally unimpressed. Now it’s Richard’s turn to sing a solo and I’m sorry, he’s certainly talented but why did they allow him to bring Karen down for so many years? A quick glance at Wikipedia indicates he was the instrumentalist of the two but really, just get out of her way, Richard.

    The producers remember that Georgia Engel has yet to justify her presence and so the next scene is her giving Karen and Kristy little angel figures which then turns into the three of them dressed as angels to do a number where they do stupid voices and act like little children in a school play. Um, Georgia Engel is a very funny actress and possibly a fine singer at other times but for this part she is not a singer and this is not really a song.

Love seeing grown women act like children.

    Harsh transition to Gene Kelly and Richard in tuxes and Karen in a simple white dress to sing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ in both the original Latin and English. I know the beginning of a medley when I hear one. Sure enough this is followed by more traditional takes on ‘Silent Night’ (again with the guitar story, I’ve heard it before), ‘Fum, Fum, Fum,’ and ‘Ave Maria.’ They are presented along with their histories and if I have to suffer through another Christmas medley this is a decent way to do it. And yep, Engel can sing just fine when she wants to. Jimmy cannot. Richard and Carol then address the camera to thank their guests and also acknowledge that goddamn elf, who hasn’t shown his face since the Irish bit.

This should've been the whole thing.

    That went just about as well as pop music in 1978 would allow, I suppose. The other specials with random-ass guests were at least weekly series that had to work with what they had, this was produced and shot months in advance and still ended up with this grab-bag of people. Minus Jimmy McNichol they were all fine (speaking of unjustified presences I’m still pissed about Burns and Schreiber from Como’s 1973 special, by the way) but they didn’t have all that much to do, they would have been fine just focusing on Karen and Richard and just letting her do her numbers. We especially didn’t need her kitchen freak out. Subtext notwithstanding there wasn’t anything particularly upsetting or cringeworthy so I’ll chalk with one up to experience. I’m trying to think of a single one of these specials where a woman didn’t absolutely steal at least part of the show and I’m not coming up with anything. After the Garland special I’m really wishing there’d been more female-centric variety shows, although considering there’s at least one Cher special lurking out there I may eat those words.