Terror Train

    I think I’ve developed an interesting theory as to how I can tell if a movie is any good or not. If the movie ends when the plot ends it is likely not a very good movie. If the movie ends when the characters have reached the end of their character arcs it is more than likely a somewhat quality movie. Of course this requires watching the entire movie up until that point so hopefully I’ve come to some sort of conclusion already but it’s something I’m going to keep in mind going forward.

I like the idea, movie, but that is not a scary train.

    I’m having a hard time with the plot mechanics of ‘Terror Train.’ Like ‘Prom Night’ it’s one of those slasher whodunnits that were a popular sub-genre during the 80’s. From what I understand the ‘Scream’ movies operate under this framework as well: the killer is an already established character or is pretending to be that character and part of the plot is working out which person on screen it secretly is. In doing some research I learned who the killer was and the details of the “twist” at the end so I spent a great deal of the movie trying to imagine a fictional version of myself who didn’t know any of that and whether my imaginary self would have worked it out before the ending. I rather think I would have but then I would, wouldn’t I?

    Released in 1980, less than three months after ‘Prom Night,’ this was the third movie to cement Jamie Lee Curtis’ image as a “screen queen.” The film was put together by producer Daniel Grodnik and was explicitly pitched as “’Halloween’ on a train.” It was directed by Roger Spottiswoode, who did some actual movies like ‘Turner & Hooch’ and ‘Air America,’ and written by Thomas Y. Drake, who did not. It was the first slasher film released by the studio 20^th Century Fox and featured supporting turns by Hart Bochner of ‘Supergirl’ infamy (and was also Ellis in ‘Die Hard,’ I genuinely didn’t know that!) and David Copperfield, of all people, who is surprisingly convincing in his role as a magician. It did okay business and received mild to mildly negative reviews from critics at the time. While from a production standpoint it’s much more impressive than ‘Prom Night’ I think I like it less and that’s almost entirely due to the characters.

    Note to future slasher films made forty years ago: don’t have as your main characters a bunch of douchebag frat bros and their girlfriends, I’m going to automatically root for the killer. Until he starts also killing the train staff, and even then that just makes me want the killer to die as well. This is what I assumed the plot of ‘Prom Night’ was going to be: the victim of a cruel prank getting revenge on his tormentors. About the only things interesting about it are the setting of an in-motion train, which introduces some nice logistical complications, and the casting of Jamie Lee Curtis as the main character, and even then I just want her to be in her own, separate movie. I’m not saying that Curtis isn’t a good enough actress to sell her friendship with these terrible people, I’m saying that her innate likability completely clashes with every moment these frat douches are on screen with her. I would’ve loved a movie where she and the train conductor (played by Ben Johnson) just hung out near the engine and played cards.

David likes these characters as little as I do.

    The premise is one of those three-sentence pitches that must happen in board rooms all the time: after a cruel prank by a fraternity a killer decides to get revenge three years later during a graduation celebration. This celebration is a costume party on a moving train. The killer sneaks on board and starts killing people one by one in various costumes until only Jamie Lee Curtis is left and who must fight for her survival.

    The first kill happens about fifteen minutes in when the killer murders the most annoying character up to that point, steals his costume, and then boards the train. There’s a good half hour or so before the next kill, after which they’re spaced out appropriately. The costumes are a nice excuse for the killer to wander among the guests and watch his victims, which can be creepy, but he does eventually develop magical killer powers that let him know where everyone is, when a body is about to be discovered so he can get rid of the evidence, or where the one place to hide is so that his victim, fully aware there’s a killer after him, doesn’t look there before he strikes. Once he turns into variable-costume Michael Myers I rather lose interest.

    There also doesn’t seem to be much moral sense in the order of the kills. The most guilty is kept for second to last and the least guilty, Curtis, is the final victim. I guess you could argue either way about that, hard to both complain about magical killer powers and also complain about taking advantage of random killing opportunities. And I really like trains so although it makes sense for him to get rid of the staff as a way to remain undetected I do find it inherently annoying. Dude was just enjoying his life shoveling coal, leave him alone.

    I will, however, fully complain about the ending. Eventually the killer has Curtis to himself in I guess the office car and all I could think as they tousled was that even this early in her career there was no way that Curtis couldn’t take him. This is not a physically imposing killer and a solid knee to the stomach would put an end to it. Every time she was in momentary danger I kept wondering why she was throwing the fight. Curtis does in fact finally win out, supposedly tossing him from the train, and to me that’s a solid enough ending. Then I saw there were still fifteen minutes left and settled back in. She’s eventually cornered again, struggles with him again, and then Ben Johnson whacks him with a shovel and he falls out of the train and into a ravine. One last shot of the train and then hard cut to credits.

No, bad movie, you're just being stupid now.

    This is when I noticed that pattern of bad movies ending when the plot ended. It shows you what the director and producers really cared about. Oh, killer’s dead? No reason to show anything else, then. The only movies I’ve watched for this month that tied any kind of bow at all around any character arcs at the end were ‘Split Second,’ ‘Dreamscape,’ and ‘Pumpkinhead,’ and that last one wins by just a technicality. I doubt it’s a coincidence that those were three of the ones I liked the most. I always want to push back against critics saying that it’s “just” a horror movie or “just” an excuse to get murder up on screens but it’s harder when the filmmakers seem to agree with them.

    In the end this is just an okay slasher film. It’s not well done or weird enough to earn itself the title of any kind of cult classic. It’s interesting for fans of Jamie Lee Curtis to see how even this early her screen persona is starting to solidify: she’s the not-horrible one who ends up being capable. And if you simply must watch every slasher film of even remote quality then sure, add it to the list. Otherwise it’s just rather awful people being killed by a killer with the sketchiest justification while riding on a train. Mind you, it did make me want to ride on a train again, and that’s not nothing.