The Perry Como Winter Show (1973)

    So we move on to the rather more loathsome year of 1973. Como had settled into something of a groove, releasing a winter special every year since 1971 and going on to add summer specials starting in 1974. It was sponsored by Kraft Foods and aired on CBS on December 10^th, 1973, right after ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ and ‘Frosty the Snowman’ and right before an episode of ‘Medical Center’ whose plot description reads as “A critically ill derelict dreads a forthcoming reunion with her daughter who is unaware of the life she’s led.” So, y’know, typical Monday night. 

It's the 70's so, y'know, zoinks.

    I find the association of Como and Kraft Foods to be oddly hard to untangle.  From 1961 to 1967 they collaborated on ‘Perry Como’s Kraft Music Hall,’ Kraft having taken over sponsorship of the already running show from Chesterfield Cigarettes.  The partnership came to an end in 1967 with the start of Como’s overall reduction in television appearances, although the exact nature of the ending seems to be under some dispute, some describing it as ‘abrupt.’  Yet here we are in 1973 with the entirety of the commercial breaks being given over to Kraft foods to share with the lucky viewers a series of truly awful sounding recipes.     There was a 1964 ‘Kraft Music Hall’ Christmas special filmed inside the Vatican that I would give several teeth to be able to see.

    In general I’m oddly fond of the old-timey way of companies directly sponsoring shows.  I can’t stand Grape Nuts but just the fact that it was literally called ‘The Grape Nuts Program Starring Jack Benny’ makes me oddly fond of the inedible cereal.  If there’s going to be advertising anyways it may as well be blunt and to the point.  Our current viral/clever/sideways style of advertising that tries to bypass the natural skepticism we’re developed as a defense mechanism to the continual exposure to capitalism that is our entire lives seems even more nefarious after hearing a stentorian voice calmly instructing us to put mini-marshmallows on top of our casseroles and doesn’t feel the need to even bother with a reason why.

    The special opens with an apparently snow-covered car making its way through what is eventually revealed to be the highways of southern California. There was a good solid three decades of television and movies being absolutely certain the rest of the country found it flabbergasting that southern California was warm when most of the rest of the country was cold, they just never stopped bringing it up.

    Eventually the car arrives in a production studio parking lot and Como steps out of the car rubbing his hands and play-acting at being cold. Then there’s a truly odd and stilted moment with a child actor that would have been explainable as a live-read gone wrong but makes no sense in a pre-filmed special. The joke is she doesn’t want to take candy from an oddly dressed stranger? He moves on and singes his way into the credits where it’s reveals that our non-Como performers for the night will be Sally Struthers, the comedy duo of Jack Burns and Avery Schreiber, and the singing group The Establishment.

You will come to hate these men.

    

    A word about The Establishment. First, that name, woof. Second, I can’t find a damn thing anywhere about them of any substance. They emerged in 1968 for a run on ‘The Jonathan Winters Show,’ did a few appearances over several other specials (including 1970’s ‘Don Knott’s Nice Clean, Decent, Wholesome Hour,’ which hopefully had people doing whippets on horseback during commercial breaks), then this special, then just disappeared. They seem to have been a group of maybe a dozen young men and women who’d had their personalities scoured clean before being christened as a literal embodiment of the ruling class.

    As with the previous special Como himself (no appearance this time by The Ray Charles (not that Ray Charles) Singers) is the highlight of the show, acting as a sort of buffer between the frankly embarrassing attempts at comedy. The only other performer I’ll give credit to is Sally Struthers who is at least trying with the material she’s given. She’s treated as a kind of sexless Goldie Hawn, all girly mannerisms and vocal ticks that come off as awkward and I’m not sure was intentional, but she does get the stand out number in a later ‘comedy’ sketch that we’ll get to.

    Our various hosts do a “So and so, what are you doing here?” thing before taking an elevator to Vermont, a rather clever meta-gag that comes up a few more times over the course of the show. At one point when they later go to a mall to go Christmas shopping Como is asked if they’re taking the elevator and he reassures them they’ll be walking through the closet instead. The show could have used a few more touches like that.

 

So we're, what, twenty minutes from the end of this horror movie?

  

    After a very odd song/montage about decorating the house/set for Christmas that ends with what I can only describe as a scene straight from a pagan ritual we have a few two-handed ‘comedy’ routines between the non The Establishment players. It’s at this point I should mention that one of the three credited writers is Lorne Michaels, the man who inspired the characterization of Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movie and was also involved in ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This all leads to the aforementioned closet-hopping trip to go Christmas shopping and also another visit to Santa, although this time firmly established as just a guy playing him in a department store setting and with 100% less creepy sexual infantilizing.

Dignity was never an option.

    That’s reserved for the next section where Struthers and the comedy act play essentially misfit toys where it turns out the supposed comedic actors are, in fact, not very good at singing and dancing either. After a Kraft brand commercial break we have an attempt at something like classic silent comedy from Como, very clearly not playing to his strengths, as a man sneaking down at night to make a sandwich while not waking the house. Although it doesn’t seem to be a direct rip-off it feels like it’s trying very hard to be a Morecambe & Wise sketch. We will not be examining any of their Christmas specials because 1. they’re British and 2. they hold up, and where’s the fun in that?

    Just when it’s starting to become very noticeable that for a Perry Como special there has not been very much Perry Como singing he and Sally Struthers sing a very awkward love song duet. While not terrible it’s very clear why Struthers wasn’t constantly breaking into song on ‘All in the Family.’ The Establishment descend onto the scene for a song that I think is about dancing, or is it not waking up the house? I don’t really care. This is finally followed by a full solo Como number, I believe the first of the special. Again it’s perfectly fine, perfectly pleasant. Como’s numbers have already become something I look forward to not because they’re particularly entertaining but they’re calm and competent and I can focus on taking my notes.

    After another set of recipes shooting for interesting but instead landing on unsettlingly bland we come to the standout number of the special, a solo Como performance of the song “The Hands of Time” as he wanders by a charming if not-fooling-anyone fake snow-covered gazebo. Again it’s just Como softly crooning and it’s something of a lovely song. It’s nice.

Honestly, no fooling, best part of the show.

    Then ... then. Then he meets back up with Santa, who is the actual Santa now, and they go to a nightclub at the north pole. There’s some lame stand up then Struthers does a decent turn as a Mae West figure named Belle Yukon. This is the stand out number I referred to before. She doesn’t have the pipes to be an actual singer but she plays the part to the hilt, strutting around the stage and throwing off some real attitude. It’s the best non-Como part of the entire thing. Then The Establishment come out to do something at least comedy adjacent, the rest of the cast tumble onto the stage and they sing their way into the last inedible commercial break. To end the show it’s Como back on the gazebo set to sing an anodyne something about harmony, wish everyone a nice Christmas, and then it’s one last plug for Kraft Foods before dropping the audience, presumably, right into ‘Medical Center.’

Maybe a little phallic there.

    

    I need to talk about the Kraft Food ads. Not the ads themselves, actually, they’re simple and direct: buy Kraft stuff. It’s the recipes, or more correctly ‘recipes.’ The very first one is literally melted Velveeta with chopped green peppers and chucks of French bread for dipping. That’s it, that’s the whole recipe. Not even sauteed peppers or toasted bread. Next is cream cheese spread onto pieces of white bread, rolled up, then cut into slices. This dish is described as “interesting.” Another is mashed yams topped with mini-marshmallows, although this one is slightly complicated by placing it briefly under the broiler to brown the marshmallows. I don’t particularly want to talk about the turkey basted with squeeze-bottle margarine. The entirety of their vegetable suggestions seem to basically be ‘take the vegetable, pour melted Velveeta over it.’ It ends with a boast about their famous cranberry mold with its featured ingredient: Miracle Whip. There’s an implication throughout that these aren’t the full recipes, that you’ll have to mail in a postcard to get those, but I don’t really see how you could improve on such perfection.

    After two specials the pattern seems to be coming into focus: everything that’s just Como singing is at worst tolerable and at best sometimes is pretty good. I’ve kind of lost perspective here in that I’m sure his presence hasn’t gotten any better it just keeps being thrown into starker and starker relief by the antics around him. It’s interesting that for the second time in a row it’s the female guest who emerges with any kind of dignity or display of talent, although it’s quite a step down from Diahann Carroll to Sally Struthers. The comedy parts remain a flat-line, although at least there are two of them this time to spread the hate between and they’re not visibly drunk during the show. Even though the center of the show is more clearly Como this time I almost prefer the other special just because it was tighter, with less fluff between the musical pieces. This was a little indulgent. And whatever The Establishment was doing I’m glad it at least stopped after this show.

Stay classy, Perry.

    The difference between 1969 and 1973 is subtle but it’s there. More walrus mustaches, less hip-cat patter. The music is the same and Como could have just walked directly from one show to the other for all the different he looks but the tone is a bit sillier and way less creepy. Kukla and Ollie would not have worked in this show and I have no idea how they would’ve justified a ballet number. As the years grind on we’ll see if Como can just keep doing his thing or if he starts becoming more and more noticeably detached from the culture surrounding him. The next special is all the way in 1978 and those are five pretty big years to jump all in one go.