The Bob Hope Christmas Show (1985)

    This was, somehow, not Hope’s final Christmas special. They would continue, in one form or another, until 1993, albeit increasingly in clip-show form. Hope lived all the way until 2003, one hundred years old, and would appear in the occasional documentary or tv special almost until the end of his life.

Don't you threaten me.

    This, however, is quite far enough for me. Airing on December 15, 1985, this special had the usual random assortment of celebrities including Barbara Eden, not doing much at the time other than still being the former star of ‘I Dream of Jeannie,’ Brooke Shields, still being the former star of ‘The Blue Lagoon’ but who had been touring with Hope on USO tours so that explains her presence, and Emmanuel Lewis, smack in the middle of starring in ‘Webster.’ I think there are more sportsball people as well.

    He’s walking out a little slower this time, a little more deliberately. His delivery speed is down about a fifth but the man was 82, I’m going to cut him some slack. No more cue card jabs from me this time. Based on his jokes he’s still racist and homophobic, though, so I got that going for me. Which is nice. And apparently the fact that LA exists is still worthy of discussion. I get that the celebrities live there, we know that, you know that, it’s not surprising, why do you keep bringing it up? The political humor is the same as the rest of them: mention a name they know and the audience laughs in recognition. It’s more than a little weird to be referring to Reagan in the present tense, I will admit.

Your joke's still aren't funny, Hope.

    Huh, Frederick’s of Hollywood joke. I haven’t thought about them in forever. One tiny, tiny tick in the weird nostalgia column.

    My outrage has been worn down to a nub because all I can manage at the prospect of a parody sketch of ‘Miami Vice’ set on Christmas and called ‘Miami Nice’ with Hope and Emmanuel Lewis as Crockett and Tubbs is just a pained exhalation. The writer for this special was Martha Bolton who wrote almost exclusively for Hope from 1981 through 1996 so I’m directly blaming this on her. The only reason I’m guessing there won’t be a short joke in the first twenty seconds is that the setup is going to be too long to get it in that quickly. As it turns out, minute and a half. Very proud of you, Ms. Bolton. Brooke Shields comes in to be the streetwise something or other and I guess the premise is that ‘Miami Vice’ is really violent and these characters want to be but can’t since it’s Christmas so it’s essentially an entire scene of them wanting to beat Shields but not able to. Stay classy, 80’s. There is an odd moment when they get her to talk by threatening to show her Christmas specials and name drop Como, Williams, essentially all the ones I’ve been watching. Meta?

This presumably went through several levels of approval.

    After commercials Hope introduces Lewis like we didn’t just watch him in a sketch. He comes out and grabs a stool next to Hope. It’s just a series of back and forth one liners, none of them are funny. They then vaguely do a song and dance number to ‘Me and My Shadow.’ It’s exactly as not charming as you would think.

    More sportsball people. That sure did take up seven and a half minutes of air time.

    Hope then welcomes on Shields wearing a brown, shimmery dress that makes her look like a chocolate fountain. More Hope jokes and a plug for her book on going to college, which is a very specific book to write. The title is On Your Own and you will be surprised to find it is currently out of print. He then thanks her for her time and waves her off. Wow, that was just over two minutes, glad we spent all that time being introduced to each and every member of the 1985 AP All American Football Team.

She now claims it was ghostwritten, by the way.

    And we’re back to nightmare fuel as a sketch starts in a toy store starring Hope, Lewis, and Shields with their heads poking through a prop wall so they’re on top of tiny little doll bodies. I expect nothing but greatness from this sketch. Ah, they are dolls bemoaning their unbought state. They insult Cabbage Patch Dolls for a bit and I was going to maybe put up another little nostalgia tic but no, those are still at least a little culturally relevant. Nice try, though. They just make a bunch of stupid pup culture jokes, it’s got all the internal structure of the section of ‘You Can’t Do That on Television!’ where they pop out of lockers. They sing a ragged little version of ‘Side By Side’ and we are out.

And there it is.

    Now it’s Barbara Eden’s turn to come out and chat. They do, she plugs what’s she’s doing, then she’s suddenly gone as well. Whatever fills the time slot, I suppose.

    We’re back to the multidimensional outdoor set (in my internal canon it’s a long-forgotten section of the TARDIS). Hope and Eden ride up in a stage sleigh to sing ‘Silver Bells.’ Again. This entire special is just the last one with different celebrities and somehow even less effort.

Don't try to pretend the doll sketch didn't happen.

    Randomly for the very last bit he brings out William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry. They even have him in his uniform, like we wouldn’t have believed who he was otherwise. Another two minutes and he’s gone. What, was he there to promote the concept of football? Oh for fucks sake, next we have something called The Rose Queen and her court? It’s something about The Rose Bowl and it sounds like it’s three rungs below the Miss USA pageant. Apparently it’s a Pasadena thing. He sings a little ditty thanking his guests to close out the show and I will never have to watch this much Bob Hope in such a short time ever again in my life.

What the fuck is this?

    So now to sum up my thoughts on Mr. Bob Hope. My appreciation for him has not increased after this much exposure. Is it weird that the only host I’ve looked at for these specials that I would truly characterize as not funny is the comedian? He’s still referred to a great man by industry figures, the tributes after he died came from presidents and singers and actors and even Tom Hanks but what I don’t seem to recall is any amount of current appreciation for him. Though I suppose that’s pretty true of everyone on this list, even Johnny Cash.

    Despite my incredulity Bob Hope was a cultural linchpin for decades for reasons that escape me. He could deliver a decent enough line, sure, and could riff if he had to, but it seems like he was running on reflexes. He never seemed to be having any amount of fun, he was just doing a job for money. The only one of these hosts I guess I can really compare him to would be Bing Crosby, which would make sense as they were a comedy duo for so long. I felt a similar remove from him as I do with Hope but there it was more a sense of reserve, that he was passionate about singing and acting but wanted to keep a professional distance. I don’t get the sense from Hope that he placed anything of himself in his work.

    Maybe that is one one way comedy has actually changed from back in the day and why I was able to feel some appreciation for Dean Martin. Comedy now is about feeling at least some connection with the performer, a sense that you’re getting at least some of their real thoughts and seeing them for who they really are. Late night hosts today, at least the good ones in my opinion, will be somewhat open to the audience and actually let them know what they’re thinking. Pretty sure this is why everyone hates Jimmy Fallon, he’s just another Leno. There is no connecting with Bob Hope, when he looks at the camera he’s just making sure the light is on, he doesn’t see or even think about you. He rattles through his cue cards, hits his mark, then leaves. Perhaps in expecting at least some amount of actual human connection I’ve done him the disservice of expecting too much.