Don't Always Disagree

  A Winter Getaway (2021) They're better in motion, I swear.      Is this the first premiere showing I’ve done? Ah, no, actually first showed at the tail end of January, but close. I look forward to it pretending that all of 2020 didn’t actually happen.      Holy shit, it opens on the exact same skyline shot as the last one. That’s some efficiency right there Hallmark. Also, since I can’t fit in in elsewhere, the director comes from a horror background and has the distinction of helming the ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ remake, so make of that what you will. I see what you did there, Hallmark.      Our lead works for a ‘personal concierge service,’ which is this universe means ‘make crazy shit happen for stupid rich people.’ At least this part acknowledges our current reality. She gets pulled in on a new client taking a ski trip in Canada due to the previous concierge suddenly quitting. His file is very light on details and lac...

  Love on Iceland (2020) Weird corner of the Arrowverse.      We open on, sigh, the New York City skyline [actually Chicago], but at least The B-52’s “Roam” is playing. Interior of an office within which they’re recording something called ‘Racket Podcast.’ Is vlogging/podcasting the new architect or magazine editor? Our lead character is apparently a producer despite being pushed by her coworkers to host but is hesitant. Oh, will someone be pushed out of their comfort zone by love? The podcast is undefined but the guest goes on about ‘finding herself’ or somesuch in Iceland with our lead acting all enraptured by the non-specifics. What else has this actress done? Huh, some actual shows, ok.      Apparently ‘ratings’ are down, as in this universe podcasting operates like tv networks with boardrooms and presidents and pitch meetings. Didn’t know it was so hard to grab MeUndies sponsorships. She’s complaining over lunch about how overworke...

  The Convenient Groom (2016) That is some odd posture, lady.      Oh, that’s nice, we’re not opening in New York City but in some kind of harbor town. All right, movie, that’s one tick in your favor so far. Our apparent lead seems to be a relationship therapist of some kind that shoots her live (?) show in her living room with a big logo behind her featuring brainy glasses as the tagline “Just ... no.” I like that, at least. We are treated to shots of desperate- seeming women glued to their tablets and phones and drinking in her advice. I wonder if th e man who eventually teaches her to not think so much and instead feel will be some kind of sailor or a woodworker? [spoiler: woodworker]      Her advice seems to consist of identifying petty nitpicks as self-evident deal-breakers on a first date and telling women to ditch the man then and there. And the things she identifies really are slight annoyances, like an overly-technical coffee ord...

  Love, Romance & Chocolate (2019) Fun fact: she voices Zatanna a lot.      First things first, I’m already annoyed by the lack of an Oxford comma in the title.      For once it’s not the New York City skyline we’re opening on but some chocolate porn and oops, too soon, there’s New York. Our lead is some kind of career woman whose company has something to do with baking (spoiler: it never really does get defined although it is established she works for some kind of food magazine) who is off to Bruges in a week’s time for something. I thought she was shown learning German earlier but maybe it was Dutch? After establishing she’s good at baking she rushes off to meet someone for lunch. The man she’s meeting is very obviously about to break up with her so let’s wait to see how long until that happens. She walks in at two minutes twenty seconds, he breaks up with her at ... three minutes forty two seconds. Half of that time is her establish...

  A Royal Winter (2017) Yeah, whole thing's about this awkward.      Day two so might as well dive into the royalty subsection of Hallmark movies. I’ve surfed past enough parts of these movies to know that this is almost a genre unto itself. Let’s see how vague European royalty impresses.      Second movie to open with aerial shots of New York City, this time Central Park and other recognizable landmarks covered in snow. I think I’m already getting the idea that New York equals driven career woman, we’ll see how that pans out. Oh, in the very first scene apparently it also means volunteer reader of fairy tales to children, all right, I’m on board so far. And now she’s applying for a job at a law firm and the people interviewing her express astonishment that she had the time to read to children and study law. Ok, get it now, young aspiring lawyer has to make a forced choice between the law she’s been studying and her true passion as a teac...

  Wedding Bells (2016) You can't fool me, movie, that's not Danica McKeller on the left.      We open in New York with Danica McKell a r as a fashion designer under stress. This is established with ruthless efficiency in less than a minute with: shots of the New York skyline, a terse phone conversation, a crumpled dress design, and our main character having to be reminded about a bridal fitting. I’m fifty seconds in and at the least I can commend this movie on its efficiency. She’s then established as the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding and there are a couple of lines about how she needs to eat. We’ll see if that comes back up.      During the dress fitting she firmly states, “Not everybody needs a guy to live happily ever after.” I assume the entire rest of the movie will be proving that statement wrong. More food talk as they all go to dinner, so the romantic interest must be a chef. Ah, I see, two career professionals not inter...